


Definitely not in this life, but perhaps the next

by sweetnettletea



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Ava is still in this bc Avatrice, F/F, Jealous Lilith, Lilshotgun, i just love them so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetnettletea/pseuds/sweetnettletea
Summary: Mary falls in love with Shannon and Shannon falls in love with Mary, and they look at each other like Lilith could only ever imagine being looked at.In which Lilith steps in front of the Tarask to save Shannon, and her new abilities portal her to an alternate universe every night, much like her own, but she’s the Halo Bearer here, and there’s a version of Mary much like the one from her world; except this version of Mary has time for her, and looks at her the way Mary from her world looks at Shannon - which quite literally takes Lilith’s breath away.Lilshotgun
Relationships: Shotgun Mary/Sister Lilith, Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 41





	1. Thank God - it was just a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> I estimate this story to be around 4-6 chapters long. I have already written around half of it, but who knows where it will take us!

“You just can’t stop drooling over that thing, can you?”

“My family has contributed six halo bearers over three centuries. I earned my spot as next in line. I train longer and harder than anyone else. Which you’d know if you’d ever bothered to turn up for combat skills.”

“Baby girl I have two shotguns, when you have two shotguns, you don’t need combat skills.”

Lilith just stares at her. The sheer audacity. 

Shannon gets the halo anyway. Clearly the amount of sweat, blood, loyalty and faith you put into something doesn’t matter in the end, because it didn’t in Lilith’s case. It never did in Lilith’s case. Everyone gathers around Shannon during the ceremony, congratulating her, telling her how much of a great, loyal, hard-working and faithful Warrior Nun she’ll be. 

Lilith watches the team watch Shannon with pure admiration, like she’s the most wonderful thing they’ve ever seen in their whole life. Like she’ll be the best Halo Bearer there ever has been and ever will be. 

It makes Lilith’s lip curl. 

Mary falls in love with Shannon and Shannon falls in love with Mary, and they look at each other like Lilith could only ever imagine being looked at.

It’s quite literally sickening how Mary, one of her best friends, one of the strongest people she knows, now just yearns and longs for the new Warrior Nun and follows her around like a love sick puppy - like she has no other purpose in life but to please her new lover.

It’s also quite literally sickening how Shannon, one of her other best friends, will just sit back and let Mary do it.

*

“Do you want to spar?” Lilith asks Mary one afternoon.

“Can’t. Shannon and I have plans for this afternoon. Rain check?” Mary replies.

And that’s how most of their interaction is these days. Lilith will have to settle for Ava or Camila who are too easy to beat. Beatrice not so much, but Mary has an unpredictable rhythm about her, a fuel strong enough to light Lilith’s fire when they train together. 

Lilith tries to confront Mary about it, about how she’s different now that she’s with Shannon, how Shannon’s different now that she’s got the Halo. 

“The Halo has nothing to do with this. When are you going to let your obsession go?”

“I have let it go. I have accepted that I’m never going to be a Halo Bearer!”

But that’s a lie. She hasn’t accepted it at all. 

They get sent on a mission to retrieve some stolen artefacts crafted from divinium, and all goes well until a Tarask appears out of nowhere and tries to kill Shannon, but Lilith jumps in front of her, being the great and loyal sister warrior that’s expected of her.

The Tarask kills Lilith instead.

Well, technically it doesn’t _kill_ her, but it does put a claw through her abdomen and drags her to hell and back, and they all have a funeral for her, so maybe that counts. Now her hair is permanently silver and her nails are really flipping long when she’s angry and for some reason people are careful what they say to her, worried that she’ll explode or turn on them any second. Is she really that scary?

Shannon visits her quarters for the first time in what feels like months, it takes Lilith by surprise.

“I think you should sit this next mission out Lil,” She says.

Ouch.

But who is she to challenge her superior Warrior Nun? 

All she can do now is sleep it off and hope for better next time.

*

Lilith wakes up from yet another nightmare, her bedsheets saturated by her own sweat. 

She checks the clock, 3am; never too early for a shower. Grabbing a towel, she heads for the showers - switching one of them on and letting the heated water run through her hair and over her body. 

It’s exactly what she needed.

Once finished, she towel dries her hair, then wraps it around herself and walks over to the steam covered mirrors and just as she’s about to wipe the steam away, she hears a loud bang behind her. 

“Who’s there?” She demands as she turns around. “Hello?”

“God fucking damnit.” 

Well that can only be one person. 

“Mary? Were you just… spying on me?” Lilith asks, as though it’s the most absurd thing in the entire world, because it kind of is, but Mary is just looking at her with – _hungry eyes_ – and it definitely does _not_ make Lilith’s entire body flush. “Mary, what are you doing!” She demands again. 

Mary doesn’t say anything though, just approaches her slowly as though she has one goal in mind and one goal only. Lilith backs away until her entire body hits flat against the bathroom wall and has nowhere else to go. Mary draws closer, now in her personal space, looking as though she’s about to pounce. 

“Mary, for the love of G-,” Lilith lets out a tiny squeal – _squeal_ – as she’s cut off by soft and plump eager lips against her own. Mary’s lips move against Lilith’s like they’re experienced with hers, like they know exactly what she wants and how she wants it, and Lilith loses herself in them momentarily, having no choice but to eagerly kiss back, as though she’s in a controlled haze.

But then she feels soft, strong fingers on the inside of her left knee which is _fine_ – but they start slowly making their way higher, towards the inside of her upper left thigh, leaving a trail of fire in their path.

“Mary!” She exclaims, pushing Mary off her. “What do you think you’re doing? This is quite clearly inappropriate!” 

Mary takes a small step back, looking legitimately confused. “You wanted this.” She says. 

Lilith doesn’t want this! Well technically, she doesn’t _not_ want it either, but none of this is right, it’s all wrong and it’s all messed up, it’s sinful and-

“But what about Shannon?” Lilith says, biting at her lower lip, heart still racing a thousand times per minute at this _thing_ that’s just transpired between them. 

Now Mary looks triple confused, as though Lilith’s speaking a different language to her. 

Then she frowns and says, “Who the hell is Shannon?”

“Shannon. Your girlfriend.” Lilith replies slowly, her breathing still uneven.

Mary just smirks at her and fiddles with the hem of Lilith’s towel, making the latter’s skin heat up just a little more. “Is this one of those role play things you’ve always secretly wanted to try? Cause’ if so I’m totally down.”

“Lord no, Mary!” Lilith shrieks, appalled. She tries to back away again, but she’s trapped between the wall and the other girl’s body, with absolutely no way out. 

Mary steps back a little, and for the first time looks genuinely concerned. “Baby girl, are you alright?” She places a hand on Lilith’s forehead, “You’re heating up, let’s get you back to bed.”

“No, I’m fine thank you,” Lilith states, holding up a hand to stop the other girl, “I can make my own way back.”

And with that, Lilith sprints from the bathroom, leaving a poor bewildered Mary behind.

*

Lilith awakens with a start, sweat once again covering her body. 

Thank god - it was just a dream. Though an outrageously strange one at that. 

But it felt _so_ real. 

Lilith goes about her day as normal, training with Beatrice, teaching Ava and Camila some new tricks and cleaning up their armoury. She’s just about finished when the door to the hall opens and Mary walks through. 

“Hey.” Mary grins.

“Hi,” Lilith says, not quite meeting her eyes. 

Mary hands over her shotguns to be cleaned and Lilith takes them without question. 

“So I was thinking, it’s been a while since we hung out, and Shannon’s going on this thing. So how about it?”

Lilith finally looks up at her, dropping any awkward and enigmatic feelings and replacing them with rage instead. “Oh, so now that you won’t have Shannon for a day, you’ll come running back to me?”

Mary sighs, shaking her head, “You don’t understand, you’ve never been in a relationship before.”

“But surely Mary you’re supposed to make time for your friends as well, for everyone you care for? Not just the person you care for the most.”

The empathetic look Mary gives her almost makes Lilith want to use her own shotgun to shoot her.

“Look, it’s on Friday. Me, Bea, Camila and Ava are all going out for the day, we’ve been relieved of our duties for that day and you can too. You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

Lilith just watches her walk away, frowning and angry at herself and at Mary and at Shannon and _stupid_ relationships.


	2. Who is Shannon?

There’s an eerie quality about the day, Lilith finds, when she wakes up and people greet her as though she’s suddenly the most popular girl at Cats Cradle. They’re not backing away from her, or hiding in their quarters when they know she’s walking through the halls. In fact, they’re actually greeting her. The strangest part is when Ava tries to fist bump her as though they’re the best of friends. If anything, they barely even talk to each other.

“By the way,” Ava starts, “I learned some pretty cool shi-ahh stuff with the sticks yesterday, you’ll be so proud when I show you later.” It’s even stranger when Lilith explains that she’s on kitchen duty as per normal schedule, and Ava literally bursts out laughing in her face like she’s grown two extra heads overnight, or someone has written a ‘kick me’ note and has placed it on the back of her. 

Lilith merely shrugs it off with a roll of her eyes, calls Ava a child even though she’s turned away when she makes it to the kitchens, for exactly the same reason.

*

“No habit?” Beatrice asks Lilith on the courtyard mid-morning after the kitchen incident. They’re all lined up just at the edge of the training mats, preparing to spar with one another. 

“I think that’s the least of God’s worries, don’t you?” Lilith says archly. Maybe her short, costless trip to hell and back was only an obvious deal breaker to herself and no one else. Besides, surely it hasn’t only just become noticeable that she hasn’t been wearing her habit as of late. When Beatrice merely looks at her in response, she says, “something’s wrong Bea, everyone’s acting strange.” 

“How so?” Beatrice asks curiously, though it isn’t without concern. 

Lilith has every intention to ask Beatrice why people are mocking her and making fun of her; pretending to be her friend. But she sees Mary walking down the steps to the courtyard behind a group of other sisters. There’s a small Camila walking beside her, but what really catches her attention is the fact that Shannon isn’t with her, when they’ve literally been glued at the hip ever since they became an official… item. “I thought Shannon wasn’t away until Friday?” 

“Shannon?” Beatrice frowns, following Lilith’s line of vision to where she’s watching Mary and Camila walk down the stairs.

Lilith doesn’t have time to answer. Mother Superion brings new sister warriors into the courtyard and Lilith questions out loud why on earth they’d need more when they’ve literally just recruited around twenty new ones. Beatrice mumbles something about acting out of character and Lilith silently agrees with her, everyone is acting off. 

Mother Superion suggests that the Halo Bearer demonstrates their martial arts skills to the new sister warriors, so they can see what’s expected of them. Lilith’s jaw clenches when she’s called up to the training mats, because of course! Of course they’d want her to spar with Shannon, in front of everyone. In front of Mary. 

Lilith arches a brow when they all just stare at her after around two whole minutes of her just standing there, in the same spot, waiting patiently. “Well?” She demands, looking around the courtyard, “where is she?”

“Who?”

“Shannon…” 

“Lilith,” Beatrice approaches her carefully and places a gentle hand on her back. “Who is Shannon?”

Lilith frowns at Beatrice, and then her eyes flicker around the courtyard frantically. They’re all looking at her as if she’s an escapee from the local insane asylum. “I have to go.”

Her quarters are occupied in no time, as are her bags filled with all of her clothes from the big oak wardrobe at the corner of the room in the angriest way possible. Tears threaten to spill and she wonders how cruel some people can be, how they’re getting enjoyment out of her bitterness and jealousy towards Shannon and towards the halo. No, she _won’t_ cry and she will not let them win. She marches towards the door of her quarters, but stops dead in her tracks when she glances at the mirror on the large wall opposite her bed.

The rosary beads wrapped around her knuckles fall straight to the floor, each bead de-threading from its string as it hits the ground with a shattering noise against the wood. 

Lithe fingers run a shaky, hesitant hand through long brunette strands that were once silver before today. Lilith has to squint at herself in the mirror to make sure she hasn’t turned colour blind. She even pinches herself to see if she’s dreaming. 

Mary appears at the door to her quarters and watches her curiously.

“You okay?” Mary asks, causing the taller girl to jump slightly.

“This isn’t right,” Lilith starts frantically, pacing back and forth beside her bed. “What’s going on? Where the _hell_ is Shannon!”

“Woahh, when did you start cursing like that? And who’s this Shannon girl you keep obsessing over?”

“Your girlfriend, Shannon! Our Warrior Nun!” Lilith exclaims, voice sharp and loud. 

Mary leans against the doorframe and crosses her arms, an amused smile playing at her lips, “wait wait wait, so let me get this straight,” She starts, “this Shannon girl somehow managed to break the two of us up, _and_ steal the halo from your back while she was at it? All within one single night?” She quirks a brow, “Damn, I’ve gotta give it to her, the girl has talent.”

Lilith’s stopped pacing, absorbing each of Mary’s words like a sponge in acid, anxiety building up in the pit of her stomach. It takes her a few minutes to pluck up the courage to unzip her robes at the back to find a familiar ring-shaped scar exactly in the place that the halo would be if it was in her, as Mary just watches her like she’s some kind of stand-up comedy act. 

*

She spends the rest of the day isolating in her quarters, even though Mary has knocked on her door at least fifteen times. _Baby girl, please let me in so we can talk._ Lilith doesn’t let her in. Eventually, she falls into a deep slumber and when she wakes up again, her nails are sharp and her hair is silver and people avoid her in the halls.

There’s something strange happening to her, and she’s going to find out exactly what it is.


	3. I want you to have this

The colourful Spanish sunset has always been a delicacy in Lilith’s eyes. The way the lowering sun reflects different shades of burnt oranges and auburn against the ripples of the clouds calms her in ways that nothing else can. Standing at the very top of the Cat’s Cradle is one of her favourite things to do in situations like these, where she finds herself needing to clear her head space and figure a few or more things out. 

She’s back here again, this— _place_ … it’s some kind of alternate universe or dream world, and everything around her seems to be exactly how she wants it to be. Her deepest desires, as though she’s written her perfect life inside a diary and God has taken it from her hands and has given in to her as a gift. _A second chance—to start over_ , she tells herself. 

In this world – dream universe – she bears the Halo, and people want to be her friend. They ask her how her day is going; they respect her and look up to her. The thought causes an anxious feeling in her stomach, and offers what she feels is a false sense of hope because this place is too good to be true, like the other shoe will drop at any moment. 

Then, there’s Mary. And there’s a whole different feeling in her stomach this time, but for other reasons that make no sense.

Lilith looks back up to the sky and breathes in the warm, fresh air deeply. She closes her eyes and does the only thing that feels normal to her – she clasps her hands together and prays to God. This is the first time since hell and the Tarask, and it feels nice. It feels right. 

“Am I interrupting?” Mary asks from behind her. Lilith unclasps her hands guiltily, as though she’s doing something wrong. But then she remembers that it’s different here, and no one will judge her for what they know nothing about. Sensing the terse change in character, Mary says, “I can leave you alone, if that’s what you’d prefer.”

Lilith regards her for a moment. There’s an expectant quality in her eyes, waiting for Lilith to ask her to stay. It reminds Lilith of a version of Mary she’d once known before – a Mary without Shannon who’d seek out her company on a regular basis. Lilith had almost forgotten what it felt like, to be the person that Mary would often look for to spend her free time with. It had long turned into a memory that Lilith had perfected in hiding at the back of her mind in order to protect herself. Until now, with this Mary waiting apprehensively in front of her, do each and every one of those hidden memories come floating back to the surface. 

There isn’t a single bone in her body that has the strength to turn this Mary away, so she says, “You can stay,” and makes a space at the side of her.

They both look over the walls of the Cat’s Cradle and the silence is comfortable even though they’re both aware of the unspoken words circling around them, begging to be heard. Lilith moves her eyes to the side and notices Mary picking lightly at her thumbnail – a trait in which Lilith had learned many moons ago only occurs when the other girl is nervous. Something that doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it’s for a legitimate reason. 

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?” Mary asks quietly. Her voice is laced with fake humour but Lilith knows her better than that – can sense the tremors in her questioning voice having spent one too many missions shamefully losing focus deciphering each soundwave level of its pitch. When Mary is angry, her voice is low and authoritative. When Mary is happy, her voice is level and calm, like a cool breeze and zero worries. When Mary is sad, her voice is quiet and reserved, unpractised. When Mary is scared, her voice is higher and frantic. 

“I…” Lilith pauses, her mouth opening and closing to keep her mind busy. To give her time to _think_. It’s a regrettable mistake when she glances at Mary for the briefest of seconds – big brown eyes downturned into grave realisation and Lilith has seen that look before, knows what it _feels_ like to want something that’s right in front of her eyes but in reality, is actually worlds away. “No.” She finds herself saying. 

Mary’s shoulders knock down an inch or two. There’s a perceptible sound of breath that leaves her mouth as she chuckles lightly, with the satisfactory raise of an eyebrow. “I knew it.” The confident and brave warrior in the other girl that Lilith is customary to, finally shines through with a radiating grin. Lilith finds that the corner of her own lips slightly tilts upwards in retaliation. “That’s the first kind-of smile I’ve seen in days.” Mary says to her. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“I know that,” Lilith adds quickly. “It’s just that I…” She halts, realising that she doesn’t actually have anything useful to say that will ease Mary’s worries. _I’m not actually from this world, I just portal here every night and I’m actually a human-tarask hybrid with strange hellish powers_ doesn’t seem like an appropriate answer. 

“You got a stressful job, a lot of pressure put on you, you need time to yourself, I know, I know.” Mary smiles. “I knew what I was taking on when you asked me to be your girlfriend and I’ll always respect your wishes.”

 _When you asked me to be your girlfriend_. Lilith raises her eyebrows at this for a fleeting moment, and then returns the smile that’s offered to her. “Yes, exactly.” 

“Here,” Mary unclasps the silver chain from around her neck and holds it out in front of Lilith. “I want you to have this.” The action strikes Lilith with a memory so vivid, that she flinches back a notch when she eyes the pendant hanging on the chain. 

_“Mary don’t,” Lilith had demanded, and if it wasn’t for her foot jammed against the door to prevent a mass of wraith demons from charging through them, she’d be stood in front of the other girl in a heartbeat._

_“I have to!” Mary had panted. Her back had been facing Lilith, pointing her dual shotguns ahead of them. There had been a fight ongoing right in front of their eyes as Beatrice, Camila, Shannon and Ava were in the midst of attempting to immobilise most of the escapee wraith demons. “They’ll be killed!”_

_“As will you!” Lilith had seethed. “Your leg is wounded, idiot!”_

_Mary had turned to her with sorrowful eyes and Lilith had shaken her head. No, she had said. I have to, Mary had replied, and had unclasped the silver chain around her neck, offering it before Lilith._

_“It was my mom’s before…” Mary had gulped and Lilith had nodded respectfully._

_Lilith had placed it in her pocket, “it will be safe here. For when you get back.”_

_“In this life or the next.” Mary had said, and with one last glance, she’d disappeared into the fight before Lilith’s eyes._

“I can’t.” Lilith shakes her head primly, “I know how much it means to you.”

“And you know how much you mean to me. It’s only fitting.” Mary walks behind Lilith and places the chain around her, pushing thick, dark locks to the side. Lilith feels a small shiver travel up her spine as Mary’s soft fingers tickle and dance against the skin on the back of her neck. “There,” Mary says and Lilith looks down at the pendant that rests proudly against her chest. 

When she turns to Mary, the professional Sister Warrior in her says, “I’ll protect it with my life. I swear of it.” 

Mary quirks an amused eyebrow and laces their hands together. “I know you will. And I’ll protect you with mine.”

Lilith holds her breath when Mary’s eyes drop down to her lips. She knows what’s going to happen next and has seen this look in the past, on Other Mary, each time before she leans in and kisses Shannon. When their lips do meet, Mary’s are soft and experienced against hers, like she’s already tasted each and every inch of Lilith before, like she kisses her goodnight and greets her with a morning kiss without fail, but burns for more each time. They finally break away from each other and Lilith realises when she looks into Mary’s shining eyes, that there’s something she had once desired so deeply, and so desperately, but had relinquished the fantasy of the mere idea of it. What she can see is love, respect and admiration.

When Lilith goes to bed that night, her eased mind feels no reason to dream, and she falls to sleep with a genuine smile on her face for what feels like the first time ever, clutching the pendant fixed around her neck tightly to her chest.


	4. I love you so much it hurts

Lilith blocks Mary’s right hook, and dips down just in time to miss the force of her left one too. With that, she’s met with an unforgiving knee to the face that knocks her back a few paces on the mat. 

“You’re distracted,” Mary claims, offering out a hand to help her up.

“Something like that.” Lilith takes the offered hand gratefully and puffs a few silver strands out of her face. To their right, there’s a small huddle of about four sister warriors in the corner watching them spar. One of them whispers something into another sister’s ear and they both side eye Lilith and then whisper some more. 

Mary catches sight of them and rolls her eyes. “Just ignore them.” 

“Why?” Lilith asks. “What they’re saying is probably true.” 

The jaw beneath Mary’s skin works heavily, as if thinking of a reply. If it were a few months ago, she’d have known exactly what to say and the sudden comprehension presents an unpleasant feeling somewhere inside Lilith’s stomach. 

Instead, Mary shakes her head and sighs. “Come out with us today. It’ll be fun, like old times.”

Lilith offers a brief tilt of her lips. “I’ll think about it.” When she leaves to head for the showers, the other sister warriors clear a large space in her path, but that’s nothing unfamiliar in this life anymore. 

*

She ends up accepting Mary on her offer to go out – the cinema, they’d decided on – after remembering her say the words _Shannon is out of town that day_. It’s not that Lilith hates Shannon, she never has and never will, but she can barely deal with the two of them together anymore on her best of days, and having to watch them be intimate with each other right in front of her eyes? She can’t put herself through that anymore. 

Lilith, Beatrice and Ava take a steady walk in the evening sun to the cinema. Ava and Beatrice link arms, laughing and joking with each other. Lilith smiles at them together, and it makes her think of Other Mary from the dream world. 

They agree to meet Camila and Mary at their destination after getting held back an hour, courtesy of Mother Superion and her critical observation on paper reports… but Lilith is loathed to find that when they eventually make it to the cinema, Shannon is by Mary’s side and their hands are clasped together. The look they give each other causes a sickly twist inside Lilith, and she can’t help but blurt out, “Shannon, I thought you were going away for the day?” 

“It got cancelled,” Shannon tells her. “Had to reschedule, but I’d much rather be doing this.” She looks at Mary and they both share another warm smile with each other. Instead of torturing herself even more, Lilith decides to ask Camila about her training progression, thankful for the distraction. 

Coincidentally, she ends up somehow sitting next to them both in the cinema, because that’s just her luck these days. She struggles to concentrate on the film because they’re both laughing and flirting next to her throughout the whole thing, so she just sits with her chin resting in her hand, staring mindlessly at the big screen.

Life is cruel to her sometimes (most of the time), but _this_ … this is something else entirely.

*

Each time Lilith wakes up and checks the mirror to find that she has brunette hair, her life becomes even better than the last time. 

Her days start out like this: Mary will knock on her door every morning and greet her with a kiss. They’ll eat breakfast together, and typically sit with Beatrice, Ava and Camila though Lilith enjoys every other day when it’s just the two of them. They’ll reluctantly go their separate ways in order to fulfil their OCS duties, but they never forget to steal a kiss (or two) beforehand. They meet up for lunch together, and when the weather is nice, they’ll have a picnic under the apple tree on the field nearby. They train together in the afternoon; Lilith will help Mary with her martial arts defences and Mary will help Lilith perfect her target accuracy in shooting in the range. 

On some evenings, they’ll watch the sunset with each other and speak about nothing and everything at the same time. Other evenings, they’ll sneak in to either of their quarters and explore each other in intimate ways that Lilith hadn’t even realised was possible until now. Sometimes at night, they’ll watch the stars together and accidentally fall asleep cuddling, meaning they’ll have to sneak around in the morning, lest Mother Superion catch them. 

Lilith’s life has changed significantly since finding this world, and a guilty part of her is glad for everything that she’s been through. All of her failures in life have led her to here, and _here_ is all she has ever wanted and all she could ever ask for. 

It’s one of the hottest days of the year in Spain, and of course today’s the day that Beatrice has challenged her to a sparring session. They both sweat as they block yet another one of each other’s strikes. The twenty sixth one, in fact. They’ve been at it for an hour, Mary and Ava are laid out on the grass, cheering them on. 

_Come on babe, you can totally kick her ass_. Lilith hears Ava call at the side of them. She scoffs and manoeuvres to the side, attempting to catch Beatrice off-guard. “Ready to give up yet?” She puffs out. 

Beatrice knows her too well, and blocks the manoeuvre almost effortlessly, “Not a chance.” She says, twirling her leg against Lilith’s, trying to bring her down. This goes on for a further twenty minutes until both Ava and Mary call it a tie.

“You good?” Mary says, holding out a bottle of ice-cold water that Lilith takes gratefully. She gulps three quarters of it before gasping and nodding as a response. As they walk back inside, Mary clasps her hands into Lilith’s and Lilith curls her fingers automatically, used to the way they fit together now. 

Something washes over Mary’s face for a second, concern perhaps. “Hey,” Lilith squeezes her hand lightly, “are you okay?”

Mary stops abruptly, turning to Lilith. “Listen—”

“Mary.” They're both interrupted by Mother Superion walking up to them. 

“Yeah?” Mary asks curiously.

“My office, please.” 

When she walks away, they raise their eyebrows quizzically at each other. “What was that about?” Lilith asks. 

“I don’t know.” Mary says, looking at Mother Superion walking away from them. “But whatever it is, it doesn’t sound good.”

“Well make sure you tell me what she says.” Lilith says. She’s fully aware that Mary is more than capable of taking care of herself, but there’s something about how protective she feels she needs to be over Mary in this life. She’s sacred to Lilith, a reason for her to carry on each day and motivation for her to be a better person. 

“I will, baby girl.” Mary smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes like it usually does.

*

That evening, Lilith waits patiently for Mary in her quarters. It’s been over three hours since she retreated to Mother Superion’s office, and Lilith has, on more than one occasion, had to stop herself from ear-wigging through the doors. It isn’t until half an hour later, that Mary finally returns to her quarters. She places a few pieces of papers on her bed side table and Lilith just stands there with her arms folded and an eyebrow quirked, waiting.

“A mission.” Mary says when she finally catches on. “Some anti-Christ guy stole a bunch of ancient history files from the church a couple of villages away.”

Lilith nods readily. “Great. When do we go?”

“Actually, _we_ don’t. It a sorta off-the-radar thing. Superion asked if me and Ava could do the dirty work. Camila’s coming along too, we’ll need someone to hack into their security systems.”

Lilith opens her mouth, but Mary beats her to it and says, “I know, I know.” She holds her hands up. “That’s why Superion didn’t ask you. You don’t exactly strike anyone as an off-the-radar type of person.”

It’s true, she isn’t an off the radar type of person. Whilst she has in the past, carried out many unwarranted missions of her own… look at where it’s gotten her now (in the other world, that is.) When she was pierced by the Tarask, it was all down to Vincent having them clean up a heap of mess that he’d caused within the church. They’d planned ahead, sure. But what they hadn’t planned for was a big crowd of wraith demons and the appearance of a Tarask (which was the cherry on top of a sour, sour cake for Lilith.)

“Just be careful. Please.” Lilith says to her.

“I promise.” Mary says, and gives her a chaste kiss on the lips before busying herself with sorting through her un-organised drawers that Lilith has been nagging at her to tidy for the past month and a half now. 

Lilith bites her lip as her mind jumps back to this morning, when Mary was acting off-character. “Earlier today… you looked troubled. As though something was on your mind?” 

Mary looks as though she’s about to say something, opening and closing her mouth for a solid thirty seconds, when she deflates slightly. “I was going to wait until your birthday this weekend.” 

“For what?”

She digs around for a moment in her drawers, throwing a couple of t-shirts on to the floor. Lilith waits patiently, not having a clue what’s going on. After a short minute, Mary pulls out a sleek rectangular leather box that say’s _Lilith_ on the front face of it and hands it to the taller girl. “For you.” She states.

Lilith accepts it without question and opens the little clasp at the front. When she pulls the leather lid off the top of it, her eyes widen in astonishment. It’s a divinium dagger, glowing from the power of the halo, but there’s quirky engravings running around each side, with the glow complimenting them even more. “Oh my.” She breathes. “This craftsmanship is astounding. How did you make this?”

“I know a guy who knows a guy.” Mary shrugs. “Drew the design myself.” 

Lilith flips the shiny hilt it in her hand and spots a little sentence engraved in the centre. _I love you with my entire soul, in this life or the next_. 

Her jaw drops slightly, and she shakes her head disbelievingly. “Mary, I-”

“It’s true… I love you, Lil. More than you could ever imagine.”

Love isn’t something Lilith has had a great relationship with in the past. It has never taken so kindly to her. Sure, she loved her family dog whilst she was growing up, until she became too attached, lost too much focus on giving her undivided attention to it and then it was taken away from her. She’d loved her parents, but they could never provide or promise her with the love and affection that she’d needed as a child in return. It had made her future relationships difficult with others, reserved and practiced. Maybe that’s why a lot of things didn’t work out in her favour, because the only way she knows how is to not _let_ them work out. 

But _this_ is something else entirely. This is her life now, and she’s taking what she wants, and she’s giving what she wants in return. She loves Mary, without a doubt, and this is the first time in all of her life that she’s allowed herself to open up and feel this way freely. And anyone will be damned if they think they’re going to hold her back. 

Her eyes glisten with happiness and hope, and she shakes her head yet again before surging forward and kissing Mary deeply. “I love you too.” She kisses her again. “I love you so much it hurts.” 

They end up laughing and chatting under the starry sky for hours. They tell each other _I love you_ over and over again until it seeps into their skin and feels real. They love each other. Mary _loves_ her, and she indisputably loves her back.


	5. The Tale of a Tarask

Lilith dabs a generous drop of moisturizer under each of her eyes, and pins the front of her silver hair back to keep it out of her face ready for her tasks for the day. Usually, Camila will tend to the armoury and keep up with their day-to-day weapon activities, starting from but not limited to carrying out pre-use checks, providing basic maintenance to them and ensuring that each weapon is accounted for. Today, Lilith has been tasked with this job as Camila has been placed strictly on combat skills for the next couple of weeks, and she’s actually looking forward to it. It’s a welcome distraction that will keep her busy whilst she’s here, and tomorrow she’ll get to be where she wants to be again. 

She starts off with the assault rifles and confirms that they’re all there. Any that aren’t present but are on the audit register, she’ll scan the in-and-out check sheet to ensure they’re signed out. She lays each AR out, and unclips their magazines, pulling back their charging handles one by one to make sure they’re empty. Then, she pulls their bolts back all the way with their charging handles and holds them whilst looking into their actions to check that there are undoubtedly no rounds in the chamber. She disassembles them to check all of their major parts, and quarantines any that don’t pass their pre-use check sheets. 

“Camila, I’m going to need those star blades—oh! Lilith! I didn’t realise you were in here today!” Shannon says as she enters the armoury, grabbing the in-and-out check sheet. 

Lilith whips around quickly at the interruption and the magazine in her hand accidentally slips from her fingers, clattering to the ground. 

“Here, let me.” Shannon goes to pick the magazine up, and at the same time, Lilith bends down to pick it up too. When they both grab the weapon, Lilith sees a familiar item dangling in between them. It’s Mary’s pendant—the one that Other Mary had given her— resting tauntingly around Shannon’s neck. Lilith swallows the bitterness down into a place that won’t make the Tarask side of her explode with anger, or even more dangerous, with sadness. It doesn’t look right on Shannon; it doesn’t seem _right_.

Shannon notices her staring and mistakes it for something else entirely. She smiles fondly, and holds it between two fingers. “It’s lovely, isn’t it.” When they both stand, she carries on. “Mary gave it to me. It was her mother’s-”

“I know who’s it was.” Lilith interrupts abruptly. An awkward silence is thick in the atmosphere after that, and there’s an unworthy part of Lilith that feels ashamed. She composes herself, and lifts her chin up. “That was disrespectful of me. I apologise.”

Shannon shakes her head and holds up a merciful hand. “Nonsense. I’m the one who’s sorry… of course you know. You’ve known her longer than I have.”

These are limits that neither of them has ever crossed before when it comes to Mary. Lilith doesn’t feel like crossing that line now, or ever. She performs a quick inspection of the star blades after that, and Shannon wastes no time in signing them out and taking her leave. It makes Lilith wish for night time even more, so she can wake up in the morning feeling happy again. 

It doesn’t matter anymore. She has her Mary, and she knows exactly what she needs to do. She’s going to find a way to portal back to the dream world permanently. 

*

When Lilith wakes up that morning, it’s later than her usual rise and shine time. She gets ready for the day and expects a knock at the door but is surprised half an hour later when she doesn’t receive one. That’s when she notices the little note on her bedside table. Her lips quirk at the corners when she reads it. 

_Mission took off earlier than expected. I’ll see you later. I love you x_

The majority of her morning and mid afternoon is spent researching with Beatrice in the library. There’s a huge pile of dusty books on the table that could have the possibility of containing information about this dream life that she’s living. There _must_ be a way for her to stay here permanently, and she’s going to do everything in her power to find out how. 

“Why are we doing this again?” Beatrice yawns as she carries on scanning the book in front of her. 

“I’m curious, that’s all.” Lilith says. “It’s always been an interest of mine. To find out just how powerful the halo could be.”

“All of this out of sheer curiosity? We’ve been at it for hours.” Beatrice starts, “Not that I have anything better to do. I’m always happy to help—huh, how very unorthodox.”

“What is it?”

“There’s a story here about a young warrior. An urban legend called: The Tale of a Tarask.” Beatrice reads, which makes Lilith fully perk up, and she places the book down she was reading mere seconds ago on to her lap. 

“It says that the warrior fought beside their leader faithfully, without question or hesitation, and one day something happened to them that changed the course of their life indefinitely, and tested their loyalty towards their leader.” Beatrice says, and Lilith sits on the edge of her seat as she continues. “There’s a script here, supposedly from the warrior themselves. _It was dark, gloomy and full of hatred. My faith was tested each second as I transformed into a compound of my own body and the beast before me, as though it was making me choose between the two. I didn’t. I was tired of others ruling my life, so I ran as fast as I could into the darkness and I ran and I ran and I ran until the light shone around me once again. I did my best to stay true to myself, and stay loyal to those that mattered but at the end of the day, they failed to see past part of the beast I had become. And they failed to revive me back into the warrior that they used to know_.”

Lilith is silent and hollow for a moment, unable to comprehend the uncanny words of The Tale of a Tarask written in the book in front of her. “Do you…” She swallows, “do you believe it?” 

“Do I believe that in a world of magical halo’s and evil demons that there’s the mere possibility of something like this?” Beatrice asks pointedly. “I think that if you believe strong enough, anything is possible.”

Lilith thinks hard for a moment and her mind is torn with her heart. Her heart is begging her to tell Beatrice about everything. About the other world, about the Tarask and about the Halo. Her mind is criticising her utter foolishness, telling her to trust no one and keep it to herself. Beatrice is her best friend, and was the first person she’d been introduced to when she’d first joined the OCS. Beatrice had done everything in her power to make Lilith feel welcome, no matter how hard Lilith had tried to push her away, or how stubborn Lilith was. 

After deep thought, she’s decided that her mind just cannot win these days with a heart as big as the one in her chest, so she looks at Beatrice with her trusting eyes and says, “Beatrice, there’s something I have to-”

Lilith is cut off by a sudden burst of loud commotion coming from the halls. When Beatrice and herself frown questioningly at each other, there’s a faint sound of someone’s fretful voice shouting somewhere in the Cradle.

_Someone get us a fucking medic, now!_

Lilith sees Beatrice’s face contort from a quizzical frown to utter panic when they realise who’s voice it is. “ _It’s Ava!_ ” Beatrice calls out dreadfully. 

They quickly throw their dusty books on to the floor and make a run for it, through all of the halls and down two flights of steps. The Cradle has never seemed as extensive as this to Lilith in all other cases, and for a moment she forgets that she’s the warrior nun here. “I’ll just—” She phases through each wall until the noise of panic, shouting and bawling becomes as clear as day. When she finally phases through the last wall, her heart stops beating in her chest and it feels so tight that she forgets how to breathe, and she has to clutch it with her right hand. 

Ava is pacing in circles with a hand on her forehead, and her arms are coated in blood. Camila is leant on the floor, also covered in blood. Mary lays between them both on the ground, her body is still and her eyes are closed. Camila is pressing fresh cloth against a clear gunshot wound on her leg. 

At first, Lilith stands there. She’s glued to the ground and she can’t _think_ or _feel_ or _hear_ anything. It stays this way until Beatrice finally reaches the halls and shakes her by the shoulders, snapping her out of the haze. “Lilith, we need to help.” Beatrice shouts, “ _come on!_ ” 

“We need clean cloth!” Camila cries out. 

Someone – Lilith isn’t sure who – throws over a few pieces of white cloth. She grabs them as quick as she can and drops down to Mary on the floor. As soon as Camila moves the existing soaked cloth with shaky hands, Lilith hastily presses the clean ones down on to the gushing wound, and they saturate and turn crimson red within a second. 

“She’s bleeding out!” Ava panics. “Where’s the fucking medic?!”

“I think it’s severed her femoral artery.” Beatrice says gravely. 

Lilith shakes her head. “No.” She says, refusing to accept it. “She’ll be fine. Won’t she?” Her eyes start watering and a single tear makes its way down her left cheek. “We’ve seen worse, haven’t we?”

Beatrice shakes her head regretfully; her own cheeks are wet from crying. The smell of tangy iron fills the air and Lilith can’t believe what’s happening. This isn’t supposed to happen. They’re— supposed to have a life together, and grow old together, and experience new things _together_. She lifts Mary’s upper half and holds her tightly in her arms. A little tear drips from her eye on to Mary’s forehead, so she kisses it away softly. Then, she looks between Ava and Camila, her voice is angry and hurt. “What the hell happened?” 

“The gang… it was bigger than we’d anticipated… she covered for us… we thought they were all unconscious but one of them wasn’t and he shot her just as we were leaving.” Ava tries to re-tell the details of their mission through her shaky voice, and Beatrice is quickly at her side offering a comforting arm around her. 

Lilith tears part of her robes away and presses the cloth desperately against Mary’s wound, unable to wait for some new ones. Mary lets out a little choke that also sounds like a sob, and her eyes open slightly, but then they roll back like the room’s spinning around her. “Lil.” She coughs out, and her speech is slurred and confused.

Lilith grabs Mary’s chin gently between her fingers. “Mary! Mary? Can you hear me?”

Her eyes slowly come to a halt, and then turn glassy after a moment. 

“No.” Beatrice cries, holding Ava. “ _Please_ , God no!” 

“Mary,” Lilith breaks, “Please, come back to me.” As a last resort, she channels all of the halo’s power and tries to transmit it into the wound on Mary’s leg. It doesn’t work, she doesn’t have the competency for it. 

Camila places two fingers over Mary’s eyes to close them gently, and presses her hands together in prayer. 

_Eternal rest grant unto them_

“Mary,” Lilith whispers. 

_O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them_

“Come back to me, please.” She sobs.

_May their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of god, rest in peace_

“I love you.”

 _Amen_. 

*

Lilith doesn’t portal back to the dream world anymore. In a way, she’s thankful for this world still. Because she would rather live a life with Mary being in love with someone else than a life without Mary at all. 

She keeps to herself mostly these days, offering others a spurious upturn of her lips and a curt nod every now and then. She sticks to her roots, and focuses on carrying out her sedulous service to the OCS. At least this way she can’t let anyone in, and no one can break her some more, or hurt her again. 

Beatrice tiptoes around her now. Lilith see’s the way she opens and closes her mouth when they accidentally bump into each other in the armoury, or the way her eyes automatically land on Lilith when they’re asked to choose a sparring partner during combat skills. Beatrice is her friend, and always will be her friend but Lilith is broken, reserved and unpredictable. The last thing she wants to do is bring Beatrice down with her, so it’s much better this way. 

Lilith does her best to avoid bumping into Shannon and Mary, but sometimes it’s like they’re everywhere she goes. They don’t notice anything different about her, because they’re so consumed with one another and that’s all that matters to them. Lilith understands that now, how it feels. _Felt_. It still burns her insides when she sees Mary. Still causes a knot in her stomach when Mary smiles at her. Still forms tears in her eyes when Mary laughs out loud at something funny, and still makes her curl up in bed and sob her heart out every night when she hears Mary address Shannon as _baby girl_. 

She often dreams about gentle, nimble fingers tracing patterns intimately on the small of her back. And soft lips forming a line of kisses along her knuckles and up her arms and up to her neck. And endless sweet nothings of _I love you’s_ and promises of a life together after the OCS. Eventually she wakes up, and she screams because life is _so_ cruel to her. Her nails grow an extra inch and she’ll angrily scratch at the same spot in the wall to have her release. There’s a big dint in the wall now, from waking up every night and realising that everything was all an evil lie. 

She frequently thinks this is God’s way of punishing her. That her trip to the other side and the fantasy world is only the beginning of her own personal hell. And she’ll regularly wonder if God will ever forgive her, and grant her the happy ending that she knows she deserves.

Definitely not in this life… and _definitely_ not the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I hate myself, too. But in all seriousness, Lilith deserves the WORLD and they better give it to her!!
> 
> Thanks for reading, and sorry for ruining your lives x


End file.
